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casey anthony

I haven’t written in a while and this is what it takes to get me motivated to write! Not as much the verdict, but everyone’s reaction to it.  I’ve seen some vulgar, horrible stuff written on fb about it and I’m a little shocked at the level of anger.  I tend to get a little suspicious when too many people believe the same’s called mob mentality. Especially when what’s being believed is what is fed through the TV. That’s it. All we know is what we get from the news.  They decide what is revalent and what is “gossip-y” enough.  There were jailhouse tapes recorded and pictures posted…..sure, I agree.  But that is only half of the truth…..whichever half tends to get the best ratings and coverage.  Yes there is a lot of evidence to suggest that possibly she is guilty, and possibly acted out of the bounds of normalcy, but I strongly feel that we do not know the entire story.  None of us know her, none of us were there, and none of us can judge. Until you are pure of lying yourself, don’t condemn her for it. I’m not trying to defend her or her actions, I’m just saying none of us are perfect, far from it.  You might say, “at least I’m not a murderer”…and while you are correct….I urge you to imagine for a second that she really is innocent and this really was a huge mistake, misstep, miscommunication, and what appears to be one thing is really something else entirely in reality. It is just as possible that she didn’t do it and circumstantial evidence seems to point in the direction that she did it. Engage that for a second in your mind and imagine yourself in her position of being accused of something you didn’t do, and having LOTS of angry people on FB who have been innundated with media coverage (and no doubt opinions….ahem, cough, nancy grace, cough)…..just let that sink in for a second and see if you can’t feel that it is a possibility. Not saying that she is guilty or not.  But luckily for us, and I mean LUCKY FOR US, THANK GOD FOR OUR INDEPENDENCE, OUR CONSTITUTION, AND OUR FREEDOM, that our system is NOT based on what others THINK of us and what others THINK happened.  We must prove it.  Hmmmm, it’s too bad they couldn’t come up with a way to PROVE that women were witches before they burned them at the stake. It’s almost the same thing people. 

How I Quit Smoking

How I Quit Smoking

   Among other things which I’ll write about later, one of the ways in which I have been successful in not smoking for a while is by imagining the cigarette to be like a relationship with a lover. In the same way that a person will feel unsatisfied with a relationship that isn’t going well because of abuse, I felt myself becoming unsatisfied with the relationship with cigarettes because I knew that I was addicted, I knew that was spending a ridiculous amount of money that I didn’t have, and I felt like crap all the time. I was tired and sometimes nauseous and dizzy, had very low energy and an overall sick feeling.  It occurred to me that putting up with these side effects was very similar to being in an abusive relationship where someone is physically hurting you as well as controlling your thoughts and emotions. So I decided to end the relationship…but what was important is recognizing that it was indeed a relationship. I shared the story with a friend and she said it was really cool and thought it would help so I hope it helps you! I also read a book called Addictions and Grace by Gerald May which helped tremendously. 

7/21/10 Dear Cigarettes,

         I’m sorry I couldn’t do this in person, but in a way I am. I will still see you quite a bit because of our mutual friends and circles. I will not let you continue to run my life by dictating who I can and can’t hang out with.  They have not seen your true self, your dark self, the way I have. I know you, cigg, and you have issues! You pretend to be there for me but you are just controlling me, possessing me, and being jealous and unrelenting when I even think about quitting you.  Well you know what? I’m done! You’re a fucking asshole! You treat me like shit! Do you know how special I am? Do you know who you’re dealing with? I am an angel of God. I was sent here to do great things and I can’t do that with your crazy ass attached to my hip 24/7.  I mean, seriously, get your own life and stop ruining mine.  Every morning I wake up pain that is equivalent to seeing you cheat on me repeatedly and not being to do anything about it.  I just keep accepting your abuse, your cough and wheeze, shortness of breath, lack of energy, bad moods, stink, and not to mention you are driving me deeper into debt! YOU SUCK! I can’t believe I ever loved you! Just like all the other great decisions in my life, this already feels better and like I’m making the right choice.  We are not right for each other. You need someone who has not fallen in love with themselves. We had a long relationship and I finally have the strength and the grace to walk away. You just aren’t good for me. You bring me down. I now choose something different, I choose love for myself.

Tagged: quitting smokingnicoteneaddictions and grace by gerald mayaddictionabuse

What Do You Value?

They say that you can tell what a person values most in life by how he or she spends their money and time.  What does it mean to value something? It means to place it of high importance in your life. So when you say that family means everything to you, how much time and money are you really spending there? When you say that God is pretty important in your life, how much time and money are you spending there?  Write down a list of things that you value in life, nevermind what you are actually doing with your time and money. Just write a list of things that are super important to you. Then honestly ask yourself how much of your free time are you spending on this thing that is so important to you, and how much of your hard earned money are you putting towards this?  I think you will find that you are proabably, without even realizing it, placing more value on things outside of the top ones we all say (family, love, health, God, spirituality, career, education, self growth.) Things like cable, excessively high car payments, social entertainment including alcohol and cigarrettes, fast food, junk food, entertainment like movies and music. 

   None of this stuff is bad and I’m not judging whatsoever. I think it’s important for all of us to begin to learn how to be honest to ourselves about what is really going on.  This is one simple way of beginning to learn to look at yourself.  It opens the door for you to continue on a path of becoming a more effective, happier person.  I’m not suggesting that you stop going to movies and out to bars and give all your money to the church (if you valued religion on your list.)  I’m suggesting that you closely, honestly examine how you spend the majority of your time and money. If you previously thought that you valued family, but then realized that you hardly spend any time with them, or that you would rather spend your money on yourself….thats OK! Doesn’t mean you’re wrong or bad, just means that you would be a more effective human if you accepted that and said, “Gee, I guess I really don’t value family that much….I really value my free time more.”  So, it’s a huge step in ACCEPTANCE of who you are. Stop living an inauthentic, fake, lie….just be honest and trust in who you are and where you came from.  I heard an amazing quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer “If you knew who walked beside you at all times, you would never feel fear again.” 

   Once you accept that you really do value your free time over family….or you really do value drinking and hanging out with friends more than you do health….then you can begin to create the type of life you really want to live.  If you honestly see that you value something over another, you can then decide if you want to keep it that way or not.  It’s ok either way you choose! Again, just be honest, just be yourself…the God-self that you were born to be.  If you recognize that you do value family, but that you have just dropped the ball in that area then you can start to change how much time and money you spend in that area.  However, if you decide that you really do value your free time, then you can begin to nuture that area even more! 

  The whole point, get honest with yourself! Love to you all. Thank you for reading!


I wonder if I check on this to see if other’s think I’m smart. I wonder if I am. I wonder if it matters what others think. (Am I supposed to use a question mark there?) I sometimes think not, but then I notice that I am a little different when I don’t get recognition, approval, or even acknowledgement. I do feel these things, just like you….that nagging fear in the backround. But I am starting to get pretty good at  ignoring it and making up my own story. They like me, they like what I’m saying, and I can help people and make a lot of money, ….even though I don’t have many followers or comments, doesn’t matter. I read plenty of stuff I like without giving the author so much as a “like” on FB. Again, I make up the story, I am the author of my life and what happens to me. I choose to be happy and positive in all situations. I want to feel good and I want good things to happen to me. I think this way all of the time and GREAT things continually flow my way.  For the most part, I live a very joyous, loving, laid-back, productive, satisfying life-style.  I am continually working on ways to improve my personal attitude and well-being. I would like to encourage you to explore the huge amount of ways you can better yourself and start to enjoy life the way it is meant to be lived!

The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man… I am satisfied with the mystery of life’s eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence — as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature.
— Albert Einstein (via afghanibanani)

Thoughts on Cheating, and other tan”jents”

Thoughts on Cheating, and other tan”jents”

     So I’m in imagination land of me and a friend working together and our boyfriends off playing in a band together, traveling around while we work.  I envision us becoming friends and supporting our men while we joke around at work and sit together on Friday night gigs.  Then that little negativity vibe creeps in……and outta nowhere comes this image of our two guys sitting with two other girls at a bar out of town! I feel that I’ve learned so much about love and wanted to share the thoughts that came up when that image came into my mind.    

    First I want to address the negative vibe. Whether it’s a voice, an image, or a thought, it’s just something that ruins our pretty little imaginative happy moment.  You know what I’m talking about, if you are anything like me….maybe didn’t come from the best childhood situation, or had something tragic happen to you, or have any addictions at all….it’s a negative attitude/phrase, something like “It won’t happen, can’t happen for me, has never happened before, always happens this way so why would this time be any different.”  It’s like an annoying friend that you can’t get rid of. You have to try to catch yourself having this negative thought, recognize that you are choosing to think that way, and then think another way.  You can change that thought very quickly from, “It can’t happen to It can happen!” 

   BUT….there’s always a but….what if it DOES happen?! What if this happy thoughts stuff doesn’t work and no matter how hard you tried to think positive, something crappy came out of it?  That’s when you have to be OK with any situation, any outcome, any circumstance. You have to know that everything will work out like it has a million times before. You have to stop worrying and stop controlling things.  

  So this leads into my thoughts on cheating. When the image of my boyfriend with another girl came up, I didn’t get sick-to-my-stomach jealous, like I have in the past with other men.  I read a book by OSHO called “Being In Love,” and he describes love as ultimate freedom. It’s giving each other complete freedom to be and do as they wish.  It seemed like a crazy idea to me when I first read it.  I know many people will struggle with the idea of “permitting” their significant other to do whatever with whoever.  I did at first, and still do at times. And I’m not talking about some kind of ridiculous swinger type thing here.  I’m talking about pure and simple love of another being.  When you love something, you love it all time…not just when it’s doing what you want it to.  So really, you say you love someone but then if they want to be with another person, now you don’t love them and you are mean and angry towards them?? I used to get so bewildered in the past when a loved one (or anyone) wanted to do something besides what I wanted to do. I slowly learned to realize that just because someone didn’t do the things I wanted and when I wanted did not mean that they did not love me.  Him wanting to play video games does not translate into he doesn’t love me.  My friend not calling/texting/emailing back within a specific time doesn’t mean that he/she doesn’t love me. The boss firing me doesn’t mean that I am worthless and stupid.  We are the only ones who give these things their meaning. It really is simple and sometimes we all make it so much more complicated.  Just because things don’t go the way I want or had planned, doesn’t mean what I think it means. I don’t have all the facts and I am not in other people’s heads. I do not have full knowledge of the past events that led to this moment.  So when I apply that logic to the idea of my boyfriend and another woman, I end up with, “Just because he wants to sleep with another woman does not translate to he does not love me.” The only reason that I would not want him to sleep with someone else is out of fear that he will leave me and want to be with her instead.  In that case, our relationship is not 100% pure love….I only love him because he wants me and if he didn’t want to be with me sexually then I wouldn’t love him anymore.  The ego (see blog entry “What is an Ego?”) side of me goes into a jealous, sick, angry feeling when I image anything like that. But my spiritual side knows only love and it is my pure love for him, the same love that comes from God, that allows me to delight in his delight, to feel joy for his joy, and happiness for his happiness.   Loving him this way allows him to feel such gratitude and appreciation for my love. What is ironic is that I give him such freedom to be who he is and do what he pleases, that he is the boyfriend, the love, that every girl dreams of and doesn’t even desire love from another woman.     

   It may seem to you that either I don’t care about him very much, or I am a doormat who is blind to lies, or that we have a rare fairy-tale romance.  The reasons that I am able to love so unconditionally is one, because I love myself that way and two, because I have faith.  I have complete, unwavering, KNOWLEDGE and BELIEF that my life will turn out OK.  Why wouldn’t it?  I try to live my life unattached to results. So in this case of my boyfriend with another woman, any which way my imaginative scenario would have gone…..I’d be OK!  Any suffering I feel is because of my own thoughts.  If I think to myself that I got “Cheated on” and then analyze why (I’m too fat, ugly, blah blah blah negativity) then naturally I’m going to FEEL bad.  But if think to myself that I did not get “cheated on,” he simply wanted to see a different movie for a change or try a different type of food and it has nothing to do with his lack of love for me, then I FEEL better.  So your THOUGHTS produce your FEELINGS.  When you think good things, whether they are real (yet) or not, you will feel better.  When you FEEL better, you are vibrating at a different frequency than when you have negative vibes.  (see blog entry “Why I’m grateful for things that aren’t real”) And when you are vibrating, you are pulling things towards you into your reality.  So when you are calm, happy, and positive you will attract calm, happy, positive things into your world….you will see people being nicer to you and things just generally going smoothly for you. The more you notice, appreciate and acknowledge the little good things popping up…the more will pop up!  To put this into a real life example: have you ever had a morning when you woke up late and just opened your eyes and began cursing up a storm….mad as hell that your alarm didn’t go off and you can’t find something to wear and your hair’s a mess and every single thing that could possibly go wrong, does.  And all along the way you are cursing and just getting madder and madder by the minute.  It keeps going all day long and finally this wave of bad luck goes away…or not, for some it goes on for months and years.  The law of attraction teaches that you are causing your own bad luck by the vibrations you are sending out when you get all worked up.  So instead of cursing at each thing that goes wrong (according to how you think they ought to go) what if you blessed it or laughed at it? What kind of vibrations would you send out then? How would you feel?  Try to surrender to the mystery of the universe and understand that all things that we experience are part of a huge web that we cannot begin to understand.  We put a spin on things happening which are part of a larger picture that is way beyond what our eyes can see.  Would you curse the alarm clock not going off if you knew that it was part of a subconscious/God planned plot to introduce you to the love of your life, or save your life, or put you in touch with a fortune? Would you curse the slow driver in front of you if you knew that if it hadn’t been for the timing, you would have or wouldn’t have……..fill in the blank.

   Good thoughts produce good feelings which produce a positive vibration which attracts a happy reality.   

Tagged: negative thoughts, spirituality,childhood,love,osho,cheatingthinking positivelyaddictionsGod

Thoughts on Compassion

 Thoughts on Compassion

   I’ve mentioned before that I’m currently working as a caregiver for the elderly and boy am I learning some lessons!  I have been especially interested in seeing my own reactions to these situations and what thoughts they provoke.  I see so many different ways of looking that this and I want to show a few opposite points.  While seeing these people going through their last stages of life I have seen two different reactions from myself.  One is pure love and compassion….that is, until I see or smell blood or poop….or I can’t sleep properly J  Little dig at myself there (see “lessons from the elderly.”)  The other reaction I sometimes see come up is a little resentment, pity,…….disgust.  I wonder if they took care of themselves, or if they were just victims their whole lives. A victim believes that he or she is never at fault about anything and that bad things continue to just happen to them. There are tons of books and internet sources on victims so I won’t go into that much here. But basically, depending on where you are in the world…chances are you are surrounded by victims and perhaps might even be one yourself!  When you can recognize that the common theme in all of your problems is YOU, then you can start to change that behavior.  You can see something in yourself that you don’t like, admit it’s there and admit that you don’t like it, and then stop doing it.  It’s that simple. 

   Anyway, so I am by no means perfect and have not mastered the art of being a non victim myself, which is why I want to be completely honest and allow full view of my emotional thought process.  I became very aware of my eating habits and all around living habits. I began taking charge of my life, my emotions, my relationships, my happiness.  I guess I went through an awakening, or began to at least.  I’m still waking up!  It’s sometimes hard to see how many people still just do what they are told, and believe what they are told, and feel what they are told…..all without ever questioning the sanity of it, or the logic, or just the common sense of it.  This waking up process hit me from two different angles at once: spirituality and food.  I learned a lot about nutrition and transformed by body and health just by changing my eating habits. That is the inspiration of this blog.  On one hand, I couldn’t feel anything but negative emotions for these pathetic people. Like I wanted to just say “Well you shoulda quit smoking sooner…or shouldn’t have had so many cheeseburgers and you wouldn’t feel so bad now!”  I mean, I know it sounds awful…I do….I just have to abide by the honest format of this blog. If you don’t like it, click off!

  I continue to just be in awe of the absolute sadness of the whole thing…..the system of health care……the system of food and medicine (where it comes from, who makes it, what’s put into it)……the government that has allowed (and no doubt encouraged) toxins and cancer causing poisons into our foods…..the media who promotes it all….and the people who continue to sleep right on through it all just being led by the ego *See “What is an ego” if want more info*

   It then occurs to me that it is amidst all of that bigness of systems (health care, government, society) that compassion for the individual is born.  Initially, I found myself judging these people and assuming that they somehow got themselves into this predicament and now everyone is just supposed to take care of them. But then it doesn’t take long to realize that they just don’t know any better. And I think of them as enlightened individuals who are put in my path to help me become more enlightened.  They present me with some obstacle, a challenge, that makes it possible for me to react a few different ways and learn something from it. 

  One of the ways I first tried to develop compassion for these old people (who are more often than not annoying, bossy, nasty, and creepy….i’m just sayin’.)  is to imagine my own parents this way.  That didn’t help because I knew that my Dad could never get mean and then it brought up another set of issues: would I be able to help my mom if she were this bad? I began to recognize a lot of anger stored up directed at her because I’m disappointed in her. I know she can be better than she is, but she doesn’t know that and it’s frustrating because I can’t help her and she won’t listen.  And I knew that if that old lady was my mom, I’d feel a lot of anger that she brought this on herself and now I’m the one taking care of it.  Obviously this seems kinda harsh, but again, giving a full exploration of my thoughts.  I decided to apply the same compassion to both of my parents.  Once I just changed my thoughts from “I told you so” and “look what you’ve done” to “I love you” “How can I help,” I felt better instantly. I could imagine my parents as helpless, hurt five year olds being wronged somehow by their own parents, and that created compassion.

    I realized that it was not my place to judge any of it.  To judge how the old person got that way, to judge my parents, to judge the system. It simply is what it is.  By my judging, I was trying to label….and it just doesn’t work. When I just stopped resisting by saying that things shouldn’t be this way, and realized that they just are….I felt happiness inside again. 

    It is what it is….that is the simplicity of life and the power of now.  Peace out!   

Tagged: government,victim behavior,elderlycompassionhealthcare systemsocietyparental relationshipshealingspiritualitynursing homesnutritionemotionshealtheating habits

Meditate while you eat

Meditate while you eat

I have been trying to put into practice the art of mediation while eating. I’m doing this for a few reasons. One, I read in this amazing book called “The Slow Down Diet,” that most of us are so far in la-la land of worry when we are eating, that our brain never registers that it had food. Our bellies are full and satisfied, but we were busy worrying about what we needed to do after dinner, what happened earlier in the day, or what was on TV! Our brain never got the memo that we ate already. It’s the idea of being present when you eat. The ultimate goal is to strive to be present at all times, but it’s especially beneficial when you eat.  For those who are struggling with being present, it means you are right here, right now. You aren’t thinking about the past or the future.  Meditation is all about being in the present moment. It is during those moments when your mind is clear that you can begin to connect with the mystery of life. Eckhart Tolle is another brilliant, spiritual teacher who teaches about the power of now, which is also the title of his book. 

   Sometimes being present all the time is easier said than done. So for me, eating becomes an easy way to get in my nutrition, my spiritual time, and a little present moment meditation as well.  From the moment I begin preparing something to eat, I get into a state of gratitude and awe.  It really is amazing that this food is here…that all we had to do was get in our car and go get it! I also like to think of all the nutrients that food contains and marvel at the way they keep me healthy.  If I am actually cooking or stirring something, I imagine that I am putting love as an extra ingredient into my food.  Sounds a little cheesy to some I’m sure, but it can’t hurt! It’s not like anyone is allergic to love, and it has absolutely no calories, and it’s uber good for you!

    Once my meal is prepared lovingly and with gratitude, I sit down at a table to eat. I am giving myself the right and permission to enjoy this meal that nourishes me.  I do not want the distraction of the TV, internet, or a book because those things make me forget that I am eating. None of us have very long attention spans. And even when I’m eating, a few times I’ll notice that I’m thinking of something in the future.  So just like in meditation, I catch myself and return to the task at hand.  People who don’t usually meditate will find this a lot easier than trying so sit still for twenty minutes while thinking of nothing. And really, the point of meditation is not to not think; it’s to control your thoughts.  It’s to catch yourself drifting off into the future or past and be able to notice when you do it. Then, you simply return to paying attention to your breath and just notice it flow in and out.

    In addition to helping me remain in the present moment, eating in this way helps me spiritually to be in a state of gratitude. I just think about how awesome it is to have this food and ponder where it came from.  Then I end up feeling grateful for my dining room table, and the room, and the kitchen, and the entire house, and just everything! It’s a great feeling! And when you are in a state of gratitude, then you can’t be complaining, or be negative. When you are in a state of gratitude, you feel good and good things start coming your way

Tagged: meditationeating

What is an ego?

What is an ego?

If you’ve ever done any kind of self improvement, you might know this word. There are these levels in the brain that Freud talks about and calls one of them the ego, and one the subconscious, and one the conscious.  My own ego is trying to stop me right now from writing this because that part of me feels dumb and not qualified to discuss this, but I’m just going to ignore that and push on, unattached to the outcome of the situation.  Whether anyone reads it or likes it is besides the point. I’m not here to go all into psychology, just a definition and examples of what an ego is.  And no, it’s not a frozen waffle! 

Ego is you.  It’s who you believe you are. When asked to tell about yourself, you repeat a list of facts such as your name, your age, your occupation, your interests, your relationship status, where you’re from, where you live, what material possessions you have, where you have been, what you have experienced, what you have learned.  This is who you think you are. You know very well what kind of clothes you like, food you like, political views you have, religious beliefs, views on the world and everything else that is YOU.  The reason the ego gets a bad reputation is because of something worse: attachment.  When you attach yourself rigidly, or firmly, to any of the above categories, you aren’t making room for new ideas, new freedom and new joy to enter into your life.

Notice I said that ego is you believe you are, who you think you are. So if that’s a belief or a thought, then who are you really? You really are a spiritual mass of energy with a human form…a body that acts as a communication instrument between you and God.  Because you are a part of God. Or of the energy, the wisdom, the untouchable, un-imaginable, un-definable MYSTERY.  You are a mystery! Look at the way your body works! Ever think about that? Sometimes I can get overwhelmed with amazement at all of my bodily functions and appreciate the miracle that it is. You are part of the same force that created you! You are god-like in your ability to create and love.  That’s all there is to it! Just trusting in the same power that brought you here and remaining in a state of gratitude will bring an endless about of peace and joy into your life. 

Most of the time we are stuck in the ego self of rushing, working, playing, THINKING, escaping in various ways, wanting to be right all the time.  When we forget, or let go, of this ego self, we make room for that spiritual side and reconnect with the same source that brought us here. The ego side wants the credit, the big powerful job, the designer clothes, the nice car. It also wants to be right all of the time and doesn’t know how to see things from other’s perspective, or point of view.  The ego gets angry and fights and seeks revenge.  The ego keeps you trapped in suffering. 

Tagged: egoself improvementconsciousnessspiritualitybuddhismpsychologyyougodjoypeacelovemysterymetaphysicsdesigner clothesfightsrevenge

Lessons from the Elderly

Lessons from the Elderly

Two nights ago I worked as a caregiver for this elderly lady who helped me to grow a little more and push me further along my spiritual path.  I’ll be up front, I don’t like to work. I know most people say they don’t, but deep down inside they love it because it gives them something to do. It’s an escape, a way of not thinking about the pain they are in. And it’s really not accurate for me to say that I don’t like to work, I don’t like JOBS! I love to work, on what I want to work on! Like this blog right now! Or making raw foods for two hours in the kitchen so I’ll have plenty of healthy snacks for the week.  This is ultimately the goal of my blog and website is to show you how I went from hating my life, my marriage, and my job into loving every minute of every day and watching my dreams come true. And you get to read about it as it unfolds!

       Ok, so I don’t like jobs. But I do have to earn some money right now and it’s pretty difficult to find a teaching job or any other high salary job in the small, retirement town I live in. So I’ve been doing what I have to in order to pay the bills. I’ll skip all the history in my head for now and just get to the fact that I work as a caregiver and a substitute teacher. I was sent for a 12 hour assignment in a nursing home beginning at 8pm.  I had only done one of these cases before and it was so easy! I just helped a man stand up to pee in a container twice during the entire time. The worst part about it was having to sleep in a recliner and hear the constant beep, beep, beep from the nurses station.  Well as if to show me what I get for whining about that, the universe delivers me this lady! Now I’m not here to whine and vent about her, I hope to show you the evolution of my emotions during this shift and what I learned. I hope that you can be as honest about your feelings to yourself and change your perspective on life if it’s needed.  During the 12 hour shift, the patient had to go to the bathroom 17 times!!! The longest stretch of rest for either of us was 45 minutes. Naturally, I became annoyed at this very quickly. Remember, I’m the girl who doesn’t like a job and having to do a bunch of stuff!  You see, I had not been warned about this and I did not get any sleep and I had to sleep in a wheelchair and wake up the minute she moved and I hurt my back lifting her up and out of the bed. See those I’s? All about me! At two different times, I burst into tears because I was so frustrated at getting out of the bed, into the wheelchair, onto the toilet, back to bed and as soon as the ten minute ordeal is over and she’s back in the bed…..she starts scooting her legs over to the side and sitting up. She wants back up! We just left the restroom!!! AHHH!!!! So yeah, that WAS how I felt. I knew it was a lesson in patience for sure, but also compassion. Who was I to be complaining about all of these things? Clearly, she is in a lot worse situation than I am! Oh wahhh, poor me!  I lovingly told myself to get over it and quickly decided to put my ego aside and help the poor lady regardless of how tired I was.   

   The reason I was so upset was because things were not how I wanted them to be. I didn’t want to get up and help someone so needy every 10 minutes. I can help someone maybe every 3 hours…that makes more sense to me.  Well who am I to say what somebody else’s needs are?  And what kind of a mother will I be if I can’t help something so needy? I recognized that this was a situation where I didn’t like the circumstances I was in, yet there was nothing I could do to change it, and yet I was still having negative emotions!  All of the things I study (Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Buddhism) show that this is how we spend most of our lives. Suffering in this frustrated way. It shows up in many ways such as always being the victim, becoming addicted to material things, substances, people, and even ideas. This is where the idea of “Let go, and Let God” comes in. It’s what they teach in AA. Even though, in my nursing home example, I was not talking about drugs or alcohol, I was still upset when things were not going according to my plan. And so I rode the wave of emotion that came over me and then wiped my tears away and shook it off. I didn’t curse at myself or get angry. I felt a human emotion and allowed it to surface and then I took over with my mind and realized that the only thing I could change was me and my reaction. The same thing goes for when you living with addictions…..try to see the little child in you who is wanting to get their way and then throwing a temper tantrum when it doesn’t happen.  It’s alright to be this way! When you can see that little child and recognize the behavior, you can change it! But first you have to be willing to admit that you are hurt from the past and that you do sometimes behave in childish ways. Same thing as a drunk admitting that they have a problem. When was the last time you were angry or frustrated or annoyed with something you couldn’t change? The weather, the traffic, the football game….?


Last night I worked with the same lady, only this time I got plenty of rest ahead of time and had a great night! And this time, she only had 7 trips and we both got lots of sleep! A change in attitude can literally change your reality.

Tagged: wayne dyer,let go and let god,god,alcoholism,elderlyspiritualytaking responsibility for your actionsdreams coming truecaregivingworkingdon't like to workdeepak choprabuddhismreligiondrugschildish behaviordreamsinner child